I know I act strong and confident. I usually look like I know what I'm doing and like nothing can bring me down. I may look like Super Woman, but I'm far from it.
Moving back to America has proven to be more difficult than I ever anticipated. I'm already a freaking emotional disaster and I still have over a month left. As each week draws to an end more emotions emerge. I'm not an emotional person and I don't really know how to handle them. I feel torn in so many ways, it seems impossible to pick up all the pieces.
I feel both joy and sorry, both accomplishment and failure, both confidence and uncertainty, both stress and relaxation, both terror and happiness. So many emotions its hard to pick which ones I feel the most.
Mostly I feel like I'm drowning. Financially, emotionally, friendship wise, work wise, family wise... in short I'm sinking to the bottom so fast because there are just too many weights holding me down.
I know its going to be "OK" and I will "figure things out" and I'm "Smart and will find my path in life". But I'm a goal oriented person, I see the bigger picture. I'm not a "live for the day" kind of person I'm a "well how is this going to effect the future" kind of person. And right now I have NO FUTURE. And that scares me shit less. With out a for sure future I am lost. I'm so far lost that even if I get directions I don't know how to follow them. Or where to even start.
How does Super Woman find herself? How does she know that being a superhero is her destiny instead of being a pastry chef?
4 comments:
She finds a superman!! :)
No, I believe leaving Japan must be super hard for so many people, especially the ones who are looking for a job, not going back to university (the easy option).
And leaving after three years is gonna be hard, no denying that!
Anyway, we are all here to support you! And listen to you!
And I know you will find a job when you get back!! And it might be a shit job, but then you can find a better job later! :)
I say don't give up before trying! You're smart and talented and I reckon you can do anything that you want to do!!
PS. You can always come back to Japan if you want! :)
Monica,
You don't know me and I have never met you, but I have been enjoying your blog for months. My daughter is friends with Kim Lansdale and I check out her blog frequently to see pics of Jacob. I clicked on your link one day and was so interested in your life and blogging that I check yours out each time I go to Kimmy's. This post you left about being confused about your future reminds me of when I was your age. And I just want to share something with you. You are an amazing woman. You are obviously talented, goal driven, and yes, I'm gonna say it...SMART.
You have so much to offer. And anything you do, and anywhere you go, you will succeed. You MAKE and KEEP good friends (harder than it sounds in this day and age). You obviously have a big heart that everyone around you can see. So......what am I getting to? On this new adventure in your life, you will be okay. And think of it just like that....a new adventure. I mean, isn't that what life is about? Change....(personally I don't deal with that well, but I have learned in 45 years of living that life is all about changes). Instead of looking at this as something to be afraid of...look at it as exciting and new. God has a great big plan for you...and I'm sure that you will live up to all that He knows you can do. I am pulling for you girl...and I will continue to check your blog daily to see what you are up to. I expect to hear great big good things from you.
Praying for you too.
thank you so much.That really touched my heart and I needed to hear it (from someone on the "outside"). Your words of encouragement help more than you realize. May God bless you
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