Ranting about my mothers visit

Sometimes I hate being the grown-up.

Do you ever feel that once you hit a certain age YOU start becoming the parent instead of your parents??

I feel like I have hit an age with my mother where I am the grown-up and she is the rebellious teen-ager. Actually, if you know my mother, you know that she never really grew out of the rebellious teen-ager phase in life, but recently its been worse! I think she just likes.... no needs the drama! Seriously it drives me crazy.

People say I'm very "mature" for my age and I think they are right. I have my shit together and I have lived around the world and I'm not even 25 yet! Granted, those avid blog readers of mind, know that I feel a big lack of other things in my life, but still I have been through more shit than most. But I think my maturity comes from having a parent that acts like shes still 16. Everything is a big deal, if things are going well then she finds a reason to stir shit up, every Holiday she finds a way to pick a fight, she refuses to help, to pick up after herself... I even do all the friggin cleaning and cooking!!!!! (I love cooking and cleaning, especially for others, but seriously I get tired too!!!).

I just wish that I could misbehave and be wild, instead of constantly worrying about what she is going to do next and how I can fix the problem. Its exhausting. I guess I'm remembering why I moved away from home almost 7 years ago!

I should end on a good note, because I have been sounding very pessimistic in my blog lately and I feel guilty about it. After all I try my best to be a optimistic person.

So my mother has been here for about 2 days now. Its been mostly good. We made a few cute little holiday crafts and laughed hysterically though making them. I made ginger bread man cookies. We decorated our own stockings and I cooked a good wonton soup! Yummy! Tomorrow is Christmas and I have high hopes for the day and am looking forward to cooking a great roast dinner! :)

Ending on a happy note... priceless.

Japanese Chirstmas traditions

I know that Christmas is a Christian holiday and that Japan in not well known for their Christian tendencies, but seriously if you are going to celebrate the holiday the GET IT RIGHT! Please I beg of you!!!

For those who are unaware of the Japanese "Christmas tradition", I will lay it out for you. In November (remember they don't celebrate Thanksgiving for obvious reasons American Peeps) all the Christmas stuff hits the shelves in all the stores. Lights, decorations, gift sets, Christmas trees and all kinds of goodies!! Then most businesses and especially departments stores decorate and have Christmas music filling the background silence. Now a days, about half of house holds have some kind of a Christmas tree in their houses, but I should elaborate by saying that Christmas trees in Japan are FAKE (Very very sad to me because it lacks a piney goodness). In our entire town I have seen about 10 places with Christmas lights lining houses or christmas tree shapes in front of places like the train station. It all accumulates and waits in preparation for Christmas Eve (yep that's right, Christmas is celebrated on December 24th here... WTF!!). On December 24 everyone has a family dinner of chicken and Japanese food followed by a Christmas Cake (I had never heard of a Christmas cake before I moved to Japan and it idea still is odd to me, mainly because we always had pie at my house). Then the kids are sent off to bed while thoughts of sugar plums and candy dance in their heads. Santa comes and leaves a present by their bed side or by their heads on the futons. They wake up in anticipated surprise and open the present the next morning and that ends the Christmas tradition. Yep... that's it.

So lets recap: Decorations at stores, fake trees, chicken dinner, Christmas cake and ends with the opening of a single present in their beds.

WHOOO!!!!

I hope you noted the sarcasm. I guess I'm just feeling a little pessimistic because I miss the Caroling, Light looking, Big Dinners, Pies, Lot of Present giving and getting and the way the air and smells of christmasy goodness. So to all those of you who are home for the holidays, do me a favor and take in the experience and send it to by telepathically.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!

People who dont integrate

I hate people who move to another country and then never even try to integrate into the culture. They act like they are allergic to it. They don't like or want to try the food. They don't like or want to listen to the music or movies. They don't like or want to hang out with the natives. They don't like or want to participate in the events that are held. If you don't like or want to do any of these things then why are you here! Why did you decide to move here?!

I remember when I was in college we had a big population of student from Japan and it became a joke that no one wanted to have "Asians" in their groups for projects because they were more quite and the stereotype was that they couldn't speak well. I, on the other hand, loved having them in my group because they worked the hardest. I remember in one group an American girl said to a Japanese girl "Do you speak English? ENGLISH?" and the girl looked so annoyed and I remember smirking to myself... duh! She got into an American University! That Japanese girl I remember didn't speak very good English and I remember wondering how on earth she got into an American School. But now that I have been in Japan and teach people English.. I think back to how good her English really was. It was just that the rest of us were too judgemental and refused to slow it down and give her time. Some people are just not as talkative and outgoing. Its funny how my view on one person, whose name I cant remember nor what class we had together, has changed over the course of 3 years. I wish I was still in contact with her so I could talk to her now. And I give her credit for trying to integrate into our culture. Unlike some Americans I know here in Japan.

Feeling unwanted

I feel like Im not pretty enough, but too pretty to be ugly.
I feel like Im not smart enough, but too smart to be dumb.
I feel like Im not funny enough, but too silly to be serious.
I feel like Im not emotional enough, but caring and touching enough to be unemotional.
I feel like Im not good enough, but too ok to be nothing...

I feel like Im not goo at anything but not bad at anything and it leaves me in this constant state of plainness. It makes me ordinary... and no one wants ordinary. Why I cant I be special to someone? Why cant someone be happy with "just me"? I want to be wanted. I need to be needed and I love to be loved... but I am none of these... which leaves me with very little in life I have been discovering.

The beauty nature brings

Have you ever seen the sun set in arrays of red or in deep purples and pinks? Have you ever seen the sky flame up in oranges and yellows and the sun disappear behind the mountains? Have you ever watched the sun glisten across the top of the ocean until you couldn't see it any longer?

Have you ever listened to the night sky? Heard the stillness and silence that the night brings or listened to the creatures that stir in the night? Have you every walked a country road in the deepness of summers night, thinking of all the other beings that lie under the blanketed sky with you?

Have you ever smelled the first rain of fall? Or listened to it patter on the asphalt below? Have you ever turned your face up to the sky and let it wash across your face with your eyes closed and your arms out and palms up?

Have you ever sat on rivers edge and tried to paint the indescribable image into your mind so not to ever forget?

Have you ever crunched in the freshly fallen snow? Fallen to the ground and played in it making snow angels and laughing with pure hearts delight in the moon light?

Have you ever taken the time to think of the beauty nature brings and all the things it has shared with you over the years?

Ready for a new adventure

I yern to travel. I want to be excited and giddy about a new place again. I want to smell and feel the adventure that lies ahead. I miss having a companion that travels by your side playing cards on the train, singing songs in the rain, laughing when you cant understand the language, and ranting and raving when you cant find a place to stay for the night. I feel like my sense of adventure and freedom is leaking slowly out of my body and being replaced with the older more common sensed adult.

I miss seeing new things and being awe stricken constantly. I miss the adventure of not knowing where I will be the next day or who I might run into on the streets. I once ran into a friend in the middle of the dead city of Pompei, met an American on her birthday in a pub in Florenza, drank in Paris with a Russian, got seated by an American in Hard Rock Belfast and hung out with a high school friend in New York City.

Sure Japan was an adventure two years ago, but now its just my everyday life. Nothing exciting and new happens anymore except for the occasional visitor or foreigner I can show around.

Is this what its like to grow up? If it is then I'm bored already.

Is it time to pass on the adventure and time to settle in??

Every time I think I know where life is taking me and where I'm headed. Life throws me a curve ball. I can let it hit me, duck out of the way, or hit it and see where it goes. I'm a hitter.

But have I been hitting everything and not ducking out of the way when I should?

Ive done a lot and seen a lot. I have been places others only dream about or read in books. Ive experienced things I couldn't possibly put into words. People see me and my life and think its ideal and that I have the best of most worlds. But I have missed out on many things. I don't regret the things Ive done, its just that as the next pitcher comes to the plate and warms up getting ready to throw me another one, I wonder if I should keep hitting or not. Would ducking out of the way be a better path for me? And if I duck out of the way this one time, will it become a habit or a fear and be unable to ever hit again?

I guess when you see me I seem like an extrovert who rarely thinks, but honestly I find myself constantly questioning who I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going, how I'm getting places and why it is that I am the way I am. I spend many sleepless nights reflecting, thinking and day dreaming about my life. But to be honest I don't have any real clue what I'll be doing a year from now let alone the rest of my life. 6 years ago I was a high school student wanting to go to New York and become a magazine editor working my way up the corporate and political ladder. And here I am, having a degree in Public Relations from Hawaii, having traveled the world and studied many things and now living in Japan where I teach kindergarten. Once my idea of success was money, houses and status.... now its the laughter, tears and wisdom I find in my students. But this path wont pay, this path is lonely and this path is not always the easiest.

Is it time to pass on the adventure and time to settle in??

"pulled over" by the police (while walking)

Last night was my holiday work dinner. We went for dinner and had a few drinks when it finished a few friends called me and asked me to join them for a few more drinks at my friends bar. I have been there so many times and walked home from there over 50 times in the past two years! Heck I have walked around this town any time day or night for the past 2 and a half years.... after all ... I DON'T HAVE A CAR!

So last night I was feeling pretty good and started my walk home at 1am as usual. I got out my cell phone and was sending a message when I noticed a police car drive past (nothing unusual). Then I put my phone back in my pocket and noticed the same police car pull into the Koban Station 10feet in front of me. Two officers got out of their car and approached me. "Kanbanwa" we all greeted each other. Then one of the officers approached me and started talking in Japanese. Even though I understood him, I have learned that when it comes to important things (hospital, emergencies.. ... police)its best to try and get Japanese people to speak English, this way I can understand more and if there is a lack of communication its not so much on my part. So I asked him "Gomen ne? Ego onigaishimasu?" (I'm sorry, English please). And I got an "Oh boy" look from the other officer, but the one speaking to me actually did a pretty good job. "Where come from?" he asked me. "Paradise." He looked at me funny and in Japanese asked where that was and I said "next to Yokubenimaru" and then he got it "oh OK". "Card please" and gestured for an ID card so I got out my Alien Card (by the way its the first time anyone besides like the bank and the city office someone has asked to see that card in 2 1/2 years!). So I gave it to him and watched as the other officer wrote down notes on a paper from my gaijin card. "Where going?" asked the officer and I said "home" and he said "where home?" and I pointed one block away (yes I was one block from home) and said "Kamio temple" and then he asked "Whats your job?" and I replied "Lesley English School". I work at two schools so its confusing to understand if you don't know that the two schools are owned by the same company and we were a block away from the English School so it seemed like the best answer, but he didn't seem to understand what that was and looked at my card again and said "Kozokura Ego no sensei" and my response was "hai hai". And I love the last question... "do you drink alcohol?" I wanted so badly to say something like yes, do you? Are you asking me out for drinks?... but thought better of it and replied "Hai choto" (yes a little). And then he handed me my card and said be careful and good night. And that was the end of it.

So I walked home thinking - WTF!!!! Why was I just pulled over?! Can you pull over a person that is walking?! Is it OK to walk home after drinking at 1am?! How else does one get home after drinking? Wasn't I being safe by walking.... I wasn't driving?! He never even explained why they were stopping me!

Anyways I'm adding it to my strange police experience list.... if you want to hear the others just ask.... for some reason I always get pulled over by the police when I'm not doing a single thing wrong, but when I'm being reckless they are no where to be found... knock on wood!

gaijin or nihonjin??

When you first move to Japan things are exciting and new, but as "life" starts and the excitingly new fades to the unavoidable normal, you begin to crave not only peanut butter and tacos, but good hearted English speaking friends.

There was a point about 2 years ago when Nathaniel and I had lived in Japan for over 6 when the reality of how secluded we were and how much we craved contact with other gaijin. It was a night in early spring when the snow still hadn't melted and we had lived together for so long we were driving each other insane. I was sitting in the apartment watching TV when Nathaniel came running into the living room and quickly hit the mute button, "Is that English?!!!!" We sat for a second and I heard inaudible yelling and screaming and after a minute of Nathaniel watching me waiting to see if I agreed it was English I said "Well Japanese people usually aren't that loud, especially at 11:30pm". We listed a little longer and opened the window. "Its coming from over there," Nathaniel whispered. "But I cant even tell if its English" I said. "Let's go and see!" he said excitedly and I said "ok!" and we jumped up and put on our shoes and ran down the street with the chatter growing louder. All of a sudden it sounded so close so we walked slower only to find out it was a huge group of middle-aged Japanese people who were extremely drunk saying good-bye to one another.

Yep that was the moment I realized that I urned for contact with others like us. We didn't speak any Japanese, we didn't know anyone, we were growing more and more annoyed with each other living and working in such close conduct.

Nathaniel ended up moving out about 6 months later and we adapted to living in an entirely Japanese life style. We never saw gaijin except for each other. We were getting conversational in Japanese. We had formed our own cliques. We, ourselves, were becoming Japanese in nature.

I started to make more Japanese friends all over Nagai and it became so natural that when I went to a bigger city and saw gaijin I turned my eyes and face down and prayed they wouldn't speak to me. Or when a cashier or information worker spoke English to me I automatically replied annoyingly in Japanese. I caught myself using bad English on the phone with my parents, or worse yet would speak to them in Japanese unconsciously. I had adopted the Japanese culture as my own.

After two years of living in Japan and Nathaniel moving away from Nagai, I met two new ALT teacher. I was nervous and annoyed by them, half wanting so badly to attach onto their gaijinness because I had missed it so dearly and half out of annoyance because I enjoyed being in my Japanese state of mind and they were new and didn't understand that. But after a few meetings and inviting them over for dinner, I automatically made friends that I thoroughly enjoyed. Great people!

Now I'm at a different stage. I find myself leaning back towards my American habits and resorting to English once again. I hate it!! I miss my Japaneseness... it made me so unique and it made me feel so much more at home. But now I have all these gaijin friends and I want to hang out with them, but so desperately crave the Japanese culture and conversation.

Its funny how you go on paths through life and how at one point you crave something so dearly, but at another you realize you don't need it, just to find yourself in the opposite place years later. I'm curious to know if anyone else has gone through these phases or if its just me.

Missing the home during the holiday season

As excited I am about having Christmas at my apartment for the very first time, there is something very depressing about not being at home for the Holidays. This will be my first year not in California and with my sister for Christmas and not be with my three best friends Sandi, Nate and Phil for New Years. The closer it gets and the more snow that falls the more depressed I get about it all. I think knowing that Japan doesn't celebrate the same ways that America does doesn't help any. And to top it off a lot of my friends here will be back home or off wandering the world. Please someone be my prince and fly in for a surprise and sweep me off my feet or cuddle inside and watch the snow with me.

Caught between worlds

I often find myself caught between worlds.

I wonder if this is because I grew up in split households. Living primarily at my mothers and every few months visiting my father for a week or two at a time. Then when I graduated high school I moved to Hawaii splitting my life from two to three. Then I moved to France where I found a whole new side of me. To where I am now in life - Japan.

I find a piece of the real me in each place, but the entire me no where. I feel as if no matter how hard I try I cant be complete because I'm spread too many places. My dearest and oldest friends in Southern California. My big family in Northern California. My "let my hair down" wild side in France. My serious hard working side in both Hawaii and Japan.

Please take note that the "love of my life" is no where on that list. Maybe that's what I'm missing. I often wonder - if I let down my guard and actually give love a chance AND FIND love no less.. maybe I will feel more complete and more in "one place" than I do now. But then I counter argue and think- Does love really change you. And if your love is a true love shouldn't it allow you to be you. And if it allows me to be me then I shouldn't change that much and I would feel the same just with someone at my side. Maybe I over think and analyze things, but then again maybe thinking too much is a good thing.

I guess my point is that I'm ready to "be in one place". I want to feel like my life is ________ (fill in where ever it is I'm supposed to be). I want to feel complete instead of torn. I want the whole package!!! I WANT IT ALL (just joking... had to add that for sarcasm and drama). Does anyone else in the world feel this way?? Or is it just my "situation" in life??

Sight from a plane

As I flew home to Japan today I gazed out the window watching the clouds pass by. They truly are a gift and I came to realize the magic they hold. The reason why they capture innocent children's amazement, curiosity and awness. For out the window there was a never ending sea of clouds. The sun set as we made our decent setting the clouds on fire in arrays of yellows and oranges creating both sunlight and shadow against the light puffy abyss. Its a magical sight really and made me think of my life. I spend an average of 50 hours a year on a plane. That's over 2 days a year in a metal bird that takes me to both far off places and home. I am so blessed and lucky to be able to go from one place to another as well as gazed upon the clouds from above.

Missing holidays

Today was another normal everyday kind of day, this usually would not bother me in the slightest; but knowing that across the Pacific Ocean an entire country is dressing up, passing out candy and having a fun and unique day, makes ache to be back in the US.

Today is Halloween. I LOVE HALLOWEEN!! Costumes, face paint, sweets, haunted houses, screams, scary stories, ghost hunts, parties, scary movies.... just some of the wonderful points to Halloween. Who could hate a day (yes was originally a serious and less commercialized holiday) where you can dress up in a costume and make up while running around scaring people and acting like a food without society viewing you as insane?!!!

On a serious note, days like to day make me miss "my old life". I love holidays and entertaining people and American holidays are perfect for those. Hearing stories from friends and family about Halloween, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Easter, St. Patricks day.... make me feel homesick for the States. I have good memories and I dwell in those and think of the things I want to do on those holidays when I get the chance to move back, but I still feel "left out" (for lack of better words).

Is there a holiday you miss?? A day you miss being with crazy friends or loving family?? A holiday or day that just lets you express you?!

If you live in a different country and answer "no" to these questions, then just take my word for it.... you haven't been away long enough yet. If you answered "Yes" well... then you aren't alone.

Is Japanese Kindness Really Kind?

Have you ever noticed that Japanese people NEVER have anything "bad" to say??

Think about it:

• You go out to eat, eat at school or cook something for them after the first bite they ALWAYS sat "Umai" or "Oishi" (delicious). They never say "ewwww" or "not so good".

• You go to see a movie and you hate it so when they ask you "What did you think?" You honestly say "The ending was bad." or "It wasn't my cup of tea." and the Japanese person nods in agreeance, but doesn't go as far as to add something that would be negative.

• Where you work you do something that is undoubtedly wrong and your co-workers never scold you like they would another Japanese person instead they just let it slide. And you don't think anything of it until you hear about how you did something wrong though the gossip mill.

The only time I feel like I have truly made a good friend in Japan is the first time I hear them say something negative to me. This sounds odd, but I feel as if they actually care enough to say something honest instead of humble. I hate people that are just trying to be kind and humble instead of honest and straight forward. There are honestly kind and humble people in this world, but even they have bad days and disagree with others from time to time. This makes you human!!!

There are polite and rude ways to disagree and handle situations. Don't just ignore the situation or smile and nod even though you want to wring someones neck, just politely say you disagree or suggest that we, gaijin, don't do that again. We cant guess what you are thinking!!! We want to do things the right way, but how can we learn if you don't correct us!?

Caught in a web of insomnia

I can’t sleep. That’s nothing new really. I go through bits of insomnia. Times where my mind refuses to shut off and I am tortured with thinking about all the things I should or need to be doing instead of being in a deep, peaceful sleep.

My mind turns and races thinking about things that range from absolutely pointless to so important I feel a need to get up walk across my freezing apartment barefoot just to write it down so I don’t forget. You have no idea how long those lists get sometimes.

Tossing and turning in my used to be neatly made bed, getting tangled like a butterfly in a spiders’ web twisting, rolling, and unaware of which direction is up and which is down. Watching the spider (in my case Mr. Sandman) laughing at me knowing that I’m caught and cant get out and the more I think about it or move the more I will be unable to fall asleep. And then out of exhaustion I will finally drift off asking myself if this time I will stay asleep. Only to hear a faint buzzing noise grow louder and louder before realizing that its actually my alarm yelling at me to wake up with a smug like wicked smile. I curse the alarm like the blankets and Mr. Sandman and they join in an evil laughter knowing that my day is already doomed.

I will then shower and most-likely be running late. I will forget to eat breakfast or forget to take out the trash and not realize until I’m in the middle of a class attempting to be entertaining to my students. I will be half asleep at lunch time and I will drag throughout the day. When my 8pm class rolls around I will be struggling to keep my eyes open. Finally when the clock has struck 9:00 I will give a sigh of relief and head home. I will be so excited to end my day I will turn on the TV or surf the net without realizing that it’s already midnight and I’m not tired. And then my cycle of insomnia will continue.