Caught between worlds

Its so strange being back home. Its like I'm caught between two world's, between two Me's.

I will try to explain without sounding too sporadic.

When you are growing up you go through many stages of life, in my case, my great friends saw me through most of them. When I left home for Hawaii I split from friends and family, but as much as you call and stay in touch with them, they don't really know how you are changing and growing on a daily basis. Between the time I left home and now I have grown and changed in more ways than words can explain. Essentially I am still me, but a grown wiser me (or at least I hope so).

My homesickness's, my illnesses, my friends and foes, my roommate, my jobs, my education, my travels, my rowdiness, my solitude, my soul searching, my dreams and hopes.... they have all changed me and touched my life in some way.

I have a saying: Each person we come into contact with in our lives (weather we know them or not, weather its in a good or bad way, weather we want them to or not) impacts who we are. In other words, each person we meet changes who we are. In this same theory, I believe every choice we make and everything we do - directly relates to who and why we are the way we are.

This being said- I am not the same person I once was. None of us are.

So going back home is more difficult that just moving to a new place. When you move to a new place you get to start fresh and show people the person you are now. When you move back home people remember you as you were, instead of allowing you to show them who you are now.

I'm having a difficult time shedding my past and allowing the present me to show. I feel like I have to play a part, the old part of me. I cant be the carefree, fun loving, yet controlled and organized me I know I have become over the past 8 years. And I cant explain to each individual I once knew why I don't drive like a speed demon any more, why I get irritated at impatient people, why holding the door for another makes a difference. I cant explain the little things I do that they find odd. Its who I have become and I'm proud of who Ive become; but its hard to get them to see who it is Ive become because I'm constantly being compared to who I once was.

I look forward to heading to hitting the open road. Stopping where my heart and gut tell me to. Seeing sights that I have never seen and being free to be me. It will be a soul searching journey for me. I cant wait to leave this old me far behind.

And when I get to my new "home" and find my own place in the new city, I will show them who I really am and I will start my life again. Taking all my travels, education, experiences with me. And I will no longer be trapped between worlds, for I will be in a whole new one.