Whats on my mind.

Its one am, which means that I am inspired to write. I always feel the most creative at night. Maybe is the silence, the still of the night, the idea that others are tucked up safe in bed..... no matter the reason, the fact still remains the same: I feel most creative at night.

I have a few things on my mind this evening so please bare with me through this jagged blog.

First off, I hate my keyboard. I think I should send it somewhere to get looked at, but every time someone else tried it it seems to work just fine. Is it my fingers?? Any suggestions?

I adore my roommate, a crush one might call it. But then again, I always have a crush on someone. When that person reciprocates feelings then I find reasons to be annoyed with them and run the other direction. So you can understand that I have no desire to let my feelings be known. I have an inkling that he may light one of my friends, but I am not sure if he is her type. And to be quite frank, I don't dare tell her because I fear that shed "Give him a try" and might end up liking him as well. Oh whats worse than a roommate you are crushing on dating a good friend of yours....awkward!! I am going on 30 and still cant be adult like enough when it comes to grown men and relationships. On the other hand, what if I tell her and she says "so not interested in him", which I think is more like the case. And then he hits on her and she tells him she doesn't like him and then he is uncomfortable when she is around. That would suck, I want them to be friends. And then there is a third scenario, what if he hits on her she says "Monica likes you and so I can not cross that line, but I like you too" ... Oh that's a whole different story. I get that meeting a significant other through a mutual friend (or roommate) might be the best way to meet someone, but there is so much pressure on the person in the middle. Oh It all makes my head ache. I hate relationships.

Something else that has been going on in my life is that I got a raise and am the lead teacher in our classroom which means that I now need to become a certified Early Childhood Development teacher. My bosses and I took many hours discussing this and have decided I would benefit the most from a 90 hour course program that includes 3 classes and then the certification process. They agreed to pay half of my tuition at Montgomery College as long as I signed a commitment that I will stay working for the school one year after the last class. Which means I will be working at the same place doing the same thing for the next two years!! Oh a two year commitment is so long for me. I am so nervous and feel so suffocated knowing that I am committed for that long. Really suffocated. I don't know how to unrestrict myself except to tell myself that two years isn't long...that I lived in Japan for three and time flew by, that I am learning something and have to earn the tuition that the school is paying for.... But to be honest, even with all of this rational and reasoning, I still feel suffocated. Like I don't have a choice and I hate that feeling.

On top of all this we have a new roommate moving in. I hate finding new roommates or moving to new group houses. There is so much stress. I hate getting to know peoples personal habits. It takes a long time and lots of observations. I was comfortable with my old roommate, I loved living here with them.

So that's whats on my mind tonight.