Whats on my mind.

Its one am, which means that I am inspired to write. I always feel the most creative at night. Maybe is the silence, the still of the night, the idea that others are tucked up safe in bed..... no matter the reason, the fact still remains the same: I feel most creative at night.

I have a few things on my mind this evening so please bare with me through this jagged blog.

First off, I hate my keyboard. I think I should send it somewhere to get looked at, but every time someone else tried it it seems to work just fine. Is it my fingers?? Any suggestions?

I adore my roommate, a crush one might call it. But then again, I always have a crush on someone. When that person reciprocates feelings then I find reasons to be annoyed with them and run the other direction. So you can understand that I have no desire to let my feelings be known. I have an inkling that he may light one of my friends, but I am not sure if he is her type. And to be quite frank, I don't dare tell her because I fear that shed "Give him a try" and might end up liking him as well. Oh whats worse than a roommate you are crushing on dating a good friend of yours....awkward!! I am going on 30 and still cant be adult like enough when it comes to grown men and relationships. On the other hand, what if I tell her and she says "so not interested in him", which I think is more like the case. And then he hits on her and she tells him she doesn't like him and then he is uncomfortable when she is around. That would suck, I want them to be friends. And then there is a third scenario, what if he hits on her she says "Monica likes you and so I can not cross that line, but I like you too" ... Oh that's a whole different story. I get that meeting a significant other through a mutual friend (or roommate) might be the best way to meet someone, but there is so much pressure on the person in the middle. Oh It all makes my head ache. I hate relationships.

Something else that has been going on in my life is that I got a raise and am the lead teacher in our classroom which means that I now need to become a certified Early Childhood Development teacher. My bosses and I took many hours discussing this and have decided I would benefit the most from a 90 hour course program that includes 3 classes and then the certification process. They agreed to pay half of my tuition at Montgomery College as long as I signed a commitment that I will stay working for the school one year after the last class. Which means I will be working at the same place doing the same thing for the next two years!! Oh a two year commitment is so long for me. I am so nervous and feel so suffocated knowing that I am committed for that long. Really suffocated. I don't know how to unrestrict myself except to tell myself that two years isn't long...that I lived in Japan for three and time flew by, that I am learning something and have to earn the tuition that the school is paying for.... But to be honest, even with all of this rational and reasoning, I still feel suffocated. Like I don't have a choice and I hate that feeling.

On top of all this we have a new roommate moving in. I hate finding new roommates or moving to new group houses. There is so much stress. I hate getting to know peoples personal habits. It takes a long time and lots of observations. I was comfortable with my old roommate, I loved living here with them.

So that's whats on my mind tonight.

Is it true? Have I grown?

I visited my family and friends this past winter for Christmas and New Years Celebrations. It was one of the best vacations I have had in a very long time. Not because I did anything that was over the top exciting, but because I spent the majority of the time with my friends and family really spending time with them.

I let my family be my family (the good and not so good sides), when arguments started I would back off knowing that it wasn't worth the fight, I spent time with old and NEW friends by experiencing their lives.

My mom and I have always fought, not in the worst kind of ways, but in the family kind of ways (does that make sense)? We have always felt unheard by the other and always felt as if we were judged by each other. The more I teach, the more I learn how to deal with people in general. I have learned that children are just like adults and we should be able to solve problems as easily as children do. A simple "You hurt my feelings" and "I'm sorry" should suffice. So I took these skills I have learned from teaching and used them with my mother and it did wonders. So many arguments were solved before they could escalate. It was nice.

The exciting thing about visiting home this time was being able to meet my friends daughter Grace. She is almost a year old, but I hadn't gotten the privilege of meeting her and finally did. She is wonderful. A very sweet, even tempered child for the most part. She seems so very happy and that brings me so much joy (more than I can express). I also got to see and visit their new house that they just bought. I am so happy for the Fivgas'.

I also spent time with other friends that I am so blessed to still have in my life. I love knowing that we have been friends for over a decade and are still going strong.

I even managed a trip up north to visit my father and his family as well as my sister. My sister has the cutest little one bedroom apartment in Union City. She has a cute little life and seems happy which always makes me happy. I would be happier if we lived closer, but cant have it all in life. My dad had shoulder surgery and is going through a long recovery.

It was a good trip, a trip where I realized.... I have grown.

A New Year: A New Decade: A New Goal

Now that its 2010 I have taken the opportunity to sit back and think about my life and where it has been, where it is and where it is going. I have decided that this year is about re cooperating and sorting through things so that I can start heading in the direction that I want my life to go.

I have been thinking: If I were to die, what is it that I want people to say about me. Right now I believe people would say I was a nomad. A person who sought after new experience and exotic places. But, what I really want is to make small impacts on peoples lives. To do good things for others, it doesn't have to be something major or overly exciting, just small simple things to impact people and future generations.

That being said, this year my goal is to (1) become more stable financially(so that I can start preparing for my dream: to teach children to read in Africa by the time I am 30) and (2) to do small things that better my community and therefore myself.

I will accomplish the first goal by doing less traveling this year (the one exception will be attending my cousins wedding in July) and paying off at LEAST half of my credit card by 2011.

I will accomplish the second goal by volunteering for something in my community and I want to raise money and do the 3 day walk for Breast Cancer in October. I also will be taking classes in Early Childhood Development to further my education in teaching to be the best teacher I can be.

These are small goals, but important ones. Its the small things in life that make the biggest impact, or that's what I believe in life.

What are your goals for 2010??