Missing the home during the holiday season

As excited I am about having Christmas at my apartment for the very first time, there is something very depressing about not being at home for the Holidays. This will be my first year not in California and with my sister for Christmas and not be with my three best friends Sandi, Nate and Phil for New Years. The closer it gets and the more snow that falls the more depressed I get about it all. I think knowing that Japan doesn't celebrate the same ways that America does doesn't help any. And to top it off a lot of my friends here will be back home or off wandering the world. Please someone be my prince and fly in for a surprise and sweep me off my feet or cuddle inside and watch the snow with me.

Caught between worlds

I often find myself caught between worlds.

I wonder if this is because I grew up in split households. Living primarily at my mothers and every few months visiting my father for a week or two at a time. Then when I graduated high school I moved to Hawaii splitting my life from two to three. Then I moved to France where I found a whole new side of me. To where I am now in life - Japan.

I find a piece of the real me in each place, but the entire me no where. I feel as if no matter how hard I try I cant be complete because I'm spread too many places. My dearest and oldest friends in Southern California. My big family in Northern California. My "let my hair down" wild side in France. My serious hard working side in both Hawaii and Japan.

Please take note that the "love of my life" is no where on that list. Maybe that's what I'm missing. I often wonder - if I let down my guard and actually give love a chance AND FIND love no less.. maybe I will feel more complete and more in "one place" than I do now. But then I counter argue and think- Does love really change you. And if your love is a true love shouldn't it allow you to be you. And if it allows me to be me then I shouldn't change that much and I would feel the same just with someone at my side. Maybe I over think and analyze things, but then again maybe thinking too much is a good thing.

I guess my point is that I'm ready to "be in one place". I want to feel like my life is ________ (fill in where ever it is I'm supposed to be). I want to feel complete instead of torn. I want the whole package!!! I WANT IT ALL (just joking... had to add that for sarcasm and drama). Does anyone else in the world feel this way?? Or is it just my "situation" in life??

Sight from a plane

As I flew home to Japan today I gazed out the window watching the clouds pass by. They truly are a gift and I came to realize the magic they hold. The reason why they capture innocent children's amazement, curiosity and awness. For out the window there was a never ending sea of clouds. The sun set as we made our decent setting the clouds on fire in arrays of yellows and oranges creating both sunlight and shadow against the light puffy abyss. Its a magical sight really and made me think of my life. I spend an average of 50 hours a year on a plane. That's over 2 days a year in a metal bird that takes me to both far off places and home. I am so blessed and lucky to be able to go from one place to another as well as gazed upon the clouds from above.

Missing holidays

Today was another normal everyday kind of day, this usually would not bother me in the slightest; but knowing that across the Pacific Ocean an entire country is dressing up, passing out candy and having a fun and unique day, makes ache to be back in the US.

Today is Halloween. I LOVE HALLOWEEN!! Costumes, face paint, sweets, haunted houses, screams, scary stories, ghost hunts, parties, scary movies.... just some of the wonderful points to Halloween. Who could hate a day (yes was originally a serious and less commercialized holiday) where you can dress up in a costume and make up while running around scaring people and acting like a food without society viewing you as insane?!!!

On a serious note, days like to day make me miss "my old life". I love holidays and entertaining people and American holidays are perfect for those. Hearing stories from friends and family about Halloween, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Easter, St. Patricks day.... make me feel homesick for the States. I have good memories and I dwell in those and think of the things I want to do on those holidays when I get the chance to move back, but I still feel "left out" (for lack of better words).

Is there a holiday you miss?? A day you miss being with crazy friends or loving family?? A holiday or day that just lets you express you?!

If you live in a different country and answer "no" to these questions, then just take my word for it.... you haven't been away long enough yet. If you answered "Yes" well... then you aren't alone.